Losing a Son to Suicide: Pippa’s Story

Editor’s Note: This blog post discusses suicide. If this is something that might be difficult for you to read, please use your discretion. If you’re concerned for yourself or someone you know, please reach out to one of the helplines listed here or speak with your doctor, counsellor or someone you trust.

It wasn’t what Pippa expected to find when she woke up on January the 3rd, 2019, but there he was; her 15-year-old son Dominic, tragically lost to suicide.

Now, four years later, Pippa shares about losing Dom and what it did to her faith in this podcast episode. Though Pippa and her family–her husband Andrew and younger daughter Sophia–are still facing the pain and grief of losing Dom, they pray that their family’s story will help others walking a similar road.

What Led to That Day

Dom’s battle with mental illness started becoming more apparent in Year 7, and first presented itself in the form of anxiety. Pippa herself had always struggled with anxiety, and she asked God, “Why did you have to give him that part of me?” Dom’s social anxiety often held him back from being engaged at youth group and with friends at school, until there was a shift in Year 9 and he seemed like he’d turned a corner.

Then, halfway through the year, Pippa and her husband Andrew began to feel that something wasn’t right. Dom was spending more time isolated in his room gaming and avoiding going out; they could see he was heading into depression.

“Throughout that time, Dominic slowly started to share different things with me; that he wasn’t enjoying things as much, that he was finding it hard to concentrate at school, and that he just didn’t seem to feel as happy,” said Pippa. “So obviously for myself and for my husband–him being a nurse and me being a teacher–we were well aware that this was beyond just the normal teenage moodiness.

“As a family we were praying, and we had people in our community reaching out to us who were aware of the support needs we had. We went to doctors for medication or further plans and treatment, but unfortunately the doctors we saw often see a lot of teenagers going through normal hormonal changes and the challenges of high school, and they didn’t quite register how serious Dom’s feelings had become.

“We finally got onto a waiting list for a psychologist in the leadup to Christmas time, and by then we had already started to see even more changes with Dominic. Things where he’d normally be involved in he withdrew from, and without telling us, he chose not to go on a school excursion he was previously excited about, which was another sign for us because he wasn’t one to normally hide things or be secretive.

“It got to the point where I needed to ask Dominic, ‘Have you been thinking about not wanting to be here?’ That was one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had, but I’d read that you need to ask, and so I did. Dominic was somewhat evasive but asked me what life is really about and whether it’s all worth it. From that point, I rang up the doctor and tried to get Dom seen sooner, but wasn’t able to move him up the waitlist. I then went to another doctor and again, unfortunately, they did not realise the magnitude of where we were at.”

Two days after Christmas, Pippa and her family were down at the beach enjoying time together. Pippa pointed out the beauty of everything around them, trying to get Dom to notice it all. “Dominic said some really poignant words that day,” she shared. “And he asked us what we thought the point of life was.” Pippa shared what she felt her purpose was, and asked Dominic in return. “I just don’t know,” he answered.

One week later, Pippa and Andrew found Dom in his bedroom, already passed.

“We’ve always been open communicators,” Pippa said through tears. “We knew the warning signs, we ticked every box… And it still wasn’t enough. I’ve served God my whole life; I’ve always been the ‘good girl’ and tried to make decisions that would honour God. How does what happened to Dom bring God glory?”

The Aftermath

“For at least the first year afterwards, a lot of days were on auto-pilot,” Pippa shared. “We were just getting through, having beautiful people provide meals, and for a while there Andrew, Sophia and I just went into our own little worlds.”

“I had to learn that God is in control, which is scary because I’m a control freak in a lot of ways. I had to trust that however Andrew, Sophia and myself were processing what had happened, that God was going to guide us through.”

“And that was really scary, because my whole faith was shaken. Every part of what I thought was the rock and truth and everything I’d grown up knowing, was almost ripped from under me, and I felt like I had to rebuild my faith. Learning to trust God again – that’s big. So I’m still building that. I adore and love God, my faith is there, but it’s definitely been rebuilt in a very different way from what I used to have.”

Processing the Emotions

“When God made each and every one of us, He made us with our emotions,” says Pippa. “He made us to laugh and cry and to be angry and sad and happy and mad and all those things. Our good God would not give us the realm of our emotions if they were not there for a purpose. I am so grateful that my family and my friends allowed times where I could say ‘I’m just angry’, or ‘I’m feeling frustrated’. They knew that I had to vent and process.

“There are lots of days where I’m like, this isn’t fair, it’s not okay, and I want to stomp my feet and pound the pavement. But that’s real. And the reality of grief is that we don’t understand. I will never, probably until my dying breath, understand why this has happened, but I don’t want to spend my life staying in a place where I am bitter and angry and negative and nasty. It is okay to process those emotions, but I don’t ever want them to define me. It’s exhausting to make that choice.”

“So I would encourage people, if they don’t feel they’re in a church where they can have support in that way, maybe just find a couple of friends who are faith-filled who can spend time with you and allow you those real emotions.”

“It doesn’t take away from the pain and the anger and the questions of why my baby had to go – I still have a lot of that,” Pippa continued. “I want people to know that in no way am I making this a fairytale. I still have days where I’m angry, where I cry out and say ‘But why? I’m a good girl, I’ve gone to church and tithed every week and run children’s ministries, why me?’. But even so, I can still see Jesus in amongst all of the yuckiness.”

How the Church Sees Suicide

Pippa knows that there are many Christians who grew up hearing that suicide is a shameful, selfish act, but she encourages those believers to recognise that a person who is mentally ill can’t make the same rational decisions we can make when we’re doing well.

“I think it’s so important as a Christian church to embrace people who have lost someone to suicide, or perhaps have even attempted suicide,” says Pippa. “We need to show the grace of God and we need to understand that no one wakes up wanting to feel that way. No person in their healthy mind thinks ‘This is what I want for my life’.

“I really believe that churches need to come to a place where they understand that although the word ‘suicide’ can be so difficult to hear because of all that it encompasses, our loving God in heaven would never want one of His beautiful children to be lost this way. This is not of God. This is not how He would plan things, but even so our God is there; He will always be there, and He is always good.

“I think it’s really important that we reframe our view on mental illness, and that we come to understand that you can’t always pray or ‘hallelujah’ your way out of it,” says Pippa. “Some people may experience miraculous healing, and that’s beautiful – praise God that that’s their story! But it isn’t everyone’s. And sadly, there will be many people we know who will continue to suffer from mental illness. We need to encourage them to be honest and open about that struggle, and we need to be there for them.”

This Story Isn’t Finished

When faced with unimaginable loss, it can be tempting to look for the ‘reason’. We want to know why so we can jump ahead to the happy ending. We hear people’s stories of going through suffering, “but then it all worked out…” and it can leave us expecting we’ll receive healing and closure in this lifetime. But that isn’t always the case.

Pippa shares: “My initial thought process was to say ‘God, you’ve taken my son, you’d better make it worth it’. I thought that maybe all of Dom’s friends would be saved, and that the youth group would be filled with young people impacted by Dom’s life… But that hasn’t happened. It’s been interesting, processing the ‘what’s it for’ question. God says in His Word that He’ll work things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). But I’ve yet to see what good is going to come of this.

“This is not a ‘before’ and ‘after’ story,” she continues. “I can’t write a book on how to get through grief. Most people do not have the perfect before and after story. It goes up and down. I haven’t reached complete healing.

“I would encourage people not to place pressure on yourself that there’s going to be this moment where everything is okay and where the feelings have passed, because it’s exhausting searching for something that might not be attainable in this life, until we reach heaven.

“Often we feel that we’re meant to be further on. A lot of people, especially within the church, can have this idea that if you’ve gone to the grief courses, you’ve done the prayer healing, you’ve given it all to God, then when the pain comes up it shouldn’t hurt as deep. But it does. It hurts.”

Pippa shared with us that four years on, her pain is still as deep, but that she’s been able to see glimpses of colour creeping back into her life. Though it’s still a journey of daily rebuilding her trust in God, Pippa maintains that God is good.

We asked Pippa whether she’d ever thought about turning away from God in the wake of losing Dom. “Yes, I could have walked away from Him,” she shared. “But I would rather be a broken and messy person in church than a broken and messy person outside of church. My non-Christian friends have asked me how I still believe, and I’ve just said, ‘I know my life with God can be so much more enriched than if I were to choose to walk away and try and carry myself through my own brokenness. Because I can’t.’

“Christians find it hard when life is messy. But God hasn’t abandoned us when tragedy hits. It’s okay to sit in the mess; you don’t have to ‘rescue’ your friend out of it. And it’s okay not to know.

“Ultimately, I won’t have true victory until heaven,” Pippa continues. “But there’s beauty in telling the story from the middle of the mess. It’s okay to be angry, to question God, to feel like you lack faith. As Christians, we need to be real with each other. And we just have to trust that God is with us at every point of our journey – especially in the mess.”

You can listen to more of Pippa’s story in this podcast episode or watch her full video interview on YouTube.

We’ve also created a page of resources on the topic of suicide. With help from a Christian psychiatrist, we’re unpacking some of the big questions around suicide, such as What Is Suicide?, Does the Bible Talk About Suicide?, Is Suicide a Sin?, How Can We Help Someone?. Check it out here.

If reading Pippa’s story has brought up difficult emotions for you, we’d encourage you to speak to someone – whether that’s a family member, trusted friend, your pastor, doctor or psychologist. If you aren’t sure who you can speak with, you can find a list of helplines here, and if you’re outside of Australia or New Zealand, a quick Google search should find you a number you can call for support.