I Wish I’d Known It Was Religious OCD

Written by Mary Hinchliffe, UK

My experience of religious obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) began when I was about nine years old.

Sometimes, religious OCD is referred to as scrupulosity, which is a subtype of OCD that involves obsessions to do with moral or religious issues. It’s often characterised by an individual experiencing guilt or obsessions about whether the things they do are ‘sin’ or violating some moral doctrine.

Just like there are many flavours of ice cream, there are many flavours or themes of OCD. I have many other subtypes of OCD, but today I’m focussing on scrupulosity.

Sadly, because of a lack of awareness of this particular form of OCD, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 18. I’m 22 now, and religious OCD still affects my life. But now that I know what it is I’m dealing with, I’ve been able to go to therapy and receive support as I learn to overcome OCD’s grip. Here are some things that I wish I had known sooner:

It Wasn’t a ‘Spiritual’ Problem

I grew up in an unhealthy church environment, and I believe that is one of the reasons my OCD latched onto faith. It started with scary, intrusive thoughts about the devil, and crippling doubts about the reliability of scripture and whether Christianity was something I truly believed.

I wish I’d known that the thoughts I was having were not dangerous to my spiritual wellbeing, despite what others would tell me. But because I had never heard of this condition before, I naturally assumed this was a spiritual problem.

Sometimes, the thoughts were about whether I could trust that the Bible was true, or that I really was a Christian. Other times, intrusive thoughts came in that told me maybe my dad was a demon, or that I would end up in hell.

Though we all might experience an intrusive thought at some point, the difference for those with OCD is that these thoughts (“obsessions”) are pervasive and nearly impossible to get rid of without following through on the compulsion. For me, that compulsion was often to seek reassurance from my friends or parents about whether I was a Christian and could trust the Bible. Although it made no logical sense to ask another person about my own faith in God, it was the only thing that felt like it helped at the time.

I thought that the thoughts I was having were sinful, that I was at fault, and that I could never be a Christian because of them – especially the doubts. Sadly, my parents had also never heard of this condition, so they too treated it like a spiritual issue when I came to them for reassurance.

If we had known that it was actually OCD that I was experiencing, we would have approached it in a hugely different way. I remember having long theological conversations with my dad when he came home from work about why we can trust the Bible, when instead what I needed was therapy. I was really struggling.

Perfection Is Unattainable

Secondly, I wish I’d known that I didn't have to try and be perfect. One of the symptoms of my OCD was an overwhelming fear of ever doing anything wrong. In my home life, I took obeying my parents to an extreme – to the point where I was extremely anxious about always trying to be ‘good’.

I grew up in an unhealthy, legalistic church where following the rules was very important and there wasn't much room for mistakes. For the people there, love seemed to take a back seat in the teaching. I now believe that this unhealthy church environment is what triggered my OCD.

Sadly, I can’t rewind and change my past or my church background, but thankfully my family and I are now in a church where there isn’t an expectation to try and be perfect. Nobody is pressuring me to never sin. I have learned that God doesn't expect perfection of us, even if others do.

One day, in His new creation we will be perfect, but we will always fall short of that perfection in this life, and that’s why we need grace. We can strive for perfection, as Jesus calls us to do in Matthew 5:48 (“Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect”), but we can also rest in the assurance that our ‘works’ are not what saves us, and that God’s power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Faith Doesn’t Require Certainty

I wish I knew back then that my obsessive search for answers and certainty about God was never going to satisfy me. Nothing in life is certain. Faith is faith for a reason. One day we’ll have certainty when we see Jesus with our own eyes, but that’s not yet. Until then, many of us will always have doubts.

It would have been hugely helpful to me if my church had made it clear to me that doubt is normal and not something we need to wrestle into submission. Rather, it can coexist alongside our faith.

I see this faith and doubt coexisting in the Bible. In Matthew chapter 9, a father comes to Jesus seeking healing for his son. “If you can do anything,”, the man says, “take pity on us and help us” (Matthew 9:22). Jesus questions the father: “‘If you can’? Everything is possible for one who believes.” The father replies, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Matthew 9:23-24). When I have doubts, I want to be like that man who chooses to believe, and asks for help when he lacks faith.

We need honesty in faith communities, so that people don’t feel isolated from other Christians who look like they have all the answers. We need churches to be places where people feel safe to be honest that they aren't certain about things, instead of covering up doubts with fake confidence in the fear that doubt will discredit the gospel. Isn't God big enough to handle us with all our questions?

There Are Others Like Me

Another thing I wish I knew about religious OCD is that even now, other people are experiencing it too; I am not alone. For so long, I felt ashamed of myself and my thoughts, and I thought I was the only person in my church and community struggling with faith in this way.

I want to encourage you, if you also struggle with scrupulosity: you are not alone in this. There are other people all over the world who are feeling the pain of this condition. Finding an online community has been one of the most transformative and life-changing things in my OCD journey. I encourage you to seek out community too, wherever you are. It is there!

Therapy has also been so helpful for me, but it’s taken a while to find the right therapist for me. There’s a company called NOCD that provides online therapy to people in Australia, the UK, US and Canada, as well as free online OCD support groups. I’ve made amazing friends through these groups that have been so supportive of me. And, if you don’t find a therapist you click with straight away, that’s okay – keep trying until you find the right person for you!

I hope and pray that my story meets you where you are, whatever pit you may feel you’re in, and that the Lord uses it to encourage your weary heart.

Mary runs an Instagram page called @maryhinchliffeocdadvocate where she shares support and encouragement from her personal experiences as someone with OCD. If you found this blog post helpful, Mary would love to connect with you there!