I Was a Pastor With Depression
Written by Chris MacLeod, Australia
“You’ve been set apart for good works,” says the preacher. “The Kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.”
So why am I so sad, anxious … broken? I wonder.
“… Have faith,” the preacher continues, “We must believe that our joy is in the Lord.”
Do I lack faith? Is that why I’m burning out? Feeling depressed? What can I do?
I was still pastoring a church when I began experiencing dissonance between my faith and emotions in the form of anxiety and depressive thoughts. This would happen especially during sermons like the one above. But surely it was just stress that would pass?
I would find myself calling in sick to avoid ministries for which I was responsible. The more I ignored these feelings, the more the guilt and the shame grew. Soon, I worried that my lack of joy was a disqualification of my leadership and indicative of a lack of faith in God.
Instead of confronting my growing sense of hopelessness and despair, I panicked and attempted to soothe these irritated emotions with accomplishments and increased work commitments.
Several ministries and a church plant later, I was utterly depleted, burnt-out, depressed, and disappointed. On the outside I did my best to shine, as good Christians ought to, but hid my inner exhaustion from friends and supporters.
Hi! I’m Chris, and I haven’t been doing too well (and that’s okay).
Like many others, my mental health struggles stemmed from my experiences in childhood.
I grew up in a broken home. My father struggled with alcoholism and my parents struggled with their marriage. Thankfully, their brokenness led me to Jesus. By the age of 12 I had read my Bible cover-to-cover and been confirmed in the Anglican Church — the church our family attended together. By 20, I had travelled to South Africa and Zimbabwe as a missionary, and by 24 I had earned two theological degrees and planted a church.
But life is complex, and following Jesus does not immediately grant a ‘happily ever after’. At least, not the Disney kind.
As a teenager, my newfound faith in Jesus didn’t prevent periods of depression and hopelessness caused, in part, by my father’s alcoholism. I had an active prayer life; but it consisted of daily cries of, “Why, God?”, and though I was deeply comforted by His presence, those dark emotions remained.
I sought refuge in the arms of God from the darkness of the world. Over time, I began to believe that serious commitment to Jesus, faithful prayer and trust in the Bible would prevent emotional and spiritual suffering from occurring. I hoped that a strong faith could cancel out anxiety and depression. This never worked.
I didn’t realise how much I needed help until older church mentors of mine noticed how I was struggling with depression and hopelessness. Thanks to their insight, I began seeing a Christian psychologist. In what would turn out to be one of many very valuable therapy sessions, my psychologist explained that I had developed an ‘emotional prosperity gospel’. This realisation led me to go on a learning journey to see what a mentally-healthy faith could look like.
In September 2019, I took a sabbatical from ministry to rest, learn, and to recover. Here are a few important things I have learned during this time about coping with mental illness as a Christian:
1. There’s no shame in feeling depressed.
I’ve begun to recognise that my feelings of depression act very similarly to a cold. Even now, I will occasionally awake, despairing and hopeless, struggling to find meaning in the day for no discernible reason. When this happens, instead of overthinking and asking, “What’s wrong with me?”, I ask and pray, “What do I need?” My experience is that these feelings are often temporary and I just need the occasional day off.
2. God is sovereign.
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?” (Psalm 139:7)
I have learned to lean on God’s sovereignty, and trust that He is in control. Doing this allows me to practise self-care that respects the emotional limits that God has given me.
Previously, I felt that my need for rest got in the way of God’s plans, and I wore my fatigue like a badge of honour. Today, I know that in action and stillness, God accomplishes His purpose through me. I can switch off the screens, read a book or play an instrument. God is still my loving Father, and He is still in control.
3. All of life is a gift.
“I have come so that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)
Mental illness is a reality that as many as 44 per cent of Australians and 47 per cent of New Zealanders will face [1]. But I have learned that it isn’t insurmountable, and that suffering is an unavoidable part of my journey to Christlikeness. In other words, being a Christian does not prevent me from suffering mentally. As Stephen Colbert said, “It’s a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering.”
With a bittersweet heart, I am learning to embrace all of life — both the joy and the suffering. Life is a gift from God, who is lovingly using it all to renew me day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16).
As I look back on where I’ve come from, despite the pain and struggle, I don’t regret the past or feel bitter about my history. God has gifted me with curiosity, acceptance, and wisdom to see that these sufferings are all relevant to our growth as humans. Developing better mental health is a journey we all take.
When the time comes for me to resume ministry to the church, I pray these learnings will help me to live a sustainable, transformative, and peaceful life with Jesus, and, hopefully, with and for those around me too. If you’ve found yourself facing burn-out and exhaustion too, I pray the same for you.
Chris has earned a Bachelor of Theology and a Masters of Practical Theology, and is currently studying Psychology. He is passionate about Biblical health and wholeness, particularly in the area of integrating faith and mental health. He lives in Melbourne, Australia.
This article was originally edited and published here by the team at YMI (Why Am I?), another ministry branch of Our Daily Bread, and is used with permission.
[1] According to the most recent data from the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (https://www.aihw.gov.au/mental-health/overview/mental-illness) and the Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand (https://mentalhealth.org.nz/resources/resource/mental-distress-prejudice-and-discrimination-in-aotearoa-or-key-statistics-2022).
