How to Be Helpful When a Loved One Tells You They’re Anxious

Written by Tiffany Ciccone, USA

Abby approaches as I circulate the classroom. Her eyes are wide, and her shoulders, tensed up.

“Ms. Ciccone, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Of course!”

I lead her into the hallway for some semblance of privacy. I face the open door to keep an eye on my students’ shenanigans as her voice shakes:

“Ms. Ciccone, I’m really anxious right now.”

Her hands are trembling.

“Okay, I’m glad you told me. What usually helps you when you’re anxious, Abby?”

“Sometimes, it helps when I walk around.”

“Okay, Abby. Here, take this pass with you. Do you want someone to go with you?”

“Can Ariana come with me?”

“Sure.”

I know this sounds like a classic get-out-of-class scam, but I know these girls, and I know the struggle all too well.

With 140 high school students regularly on my roster, I have a few teens like Abby in my class every year. They’re in good hands in my classroom because I know how they feel.

My Anxiety Disorder

As a teacher who’s had Generalized Anxiety Disorder for over a decade, I get it.

I understand how anxiety can hijack physiology and rational thought at any time, in any place: at the grocery store, at work, in mid-conversation on a coffee date — it has no regard for students’ classwork or adults’ busy agendas. It doesn’t care.

The symptoms vary, but in my case, it announces its presence by tightening my throat and turning my skin red hot. Within a couple of minutes, my breathing is shallow, muscles tensed, heart palpitating, and I’m on edge with my adrenaline going haywire. It’s fight or flight out of context, and it’s exhausting.

Everybody’s anxiety is different, though, which is why this post is about asking the right questions, rather than giving the right advice.

What Not to Say

Unless it’s bordering on a panic attack, generalized anxiety like mine can be easy to hide. People with anxiety can appear perfectly normal on the outside while in a state of utter chaos on the inside.

Sometimes, depending on the context, when a friend asks, “How are you?” I’ll be honest and let them in on my secret:

“I’m okay. A bit anxious, though.”

When someone confides in you that they are anxious, know that they trust you — they feel you are someone who might understand them. That’s a great compliment, and it means that your relationship is important to them.

Don’t respond by explaining what ‘cured’ your anxiety.

Unfortunately, I get this response all too often from well-meaning friends when I confide in them:

“Oh, do you know what helped me? I stopped eating gluten!”

“Have you read such-and-such’s self-help book? You MUST.”

Or, my personal favorite: “Oh, I used to worry a lot too, but now I pray and give it to the Lord, and He gives me peace.”

I know my friends are just trying to be helpful, but they’re making huge, insensitive assumptions, and failing to consider the fact that I’m in pain.

They don’t realize that my mind and body are circling a whirlpool and I’m borderline panicking. In that moment, suggesting I alter my diet does nothing to help me get out of the relentless cycle of anxiety.

In fact, comments like those actually make my mental whirlpool spin faster. I think:

I’ve tried those things, and look at me, I’m still a disaster. Those things should fix me. I’m defective. What helps everyone doesn’t work for me. I’m always going to feel like this.

And as a follower of Jesus with anxiety, let me tell you: I’ve prayed. Boy, have I prayed.

When fellow believers tell me that prayer healed their anxiety, I just feel judged, misunderstood, and at fault for my “thorn” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).

This is why people—especially Christians, in my experience—aren’t always open about their anxiety. We’re not looking for an excuse to spiral further.

I’m not saying that it’s pointless to try new strategies and new ideas. I’m not saying that diet and literature and prayer can’t help. What I am saying is that advice and testimonials don’t help people when they’re in the midst of an anxiety attack.

If you want to share your story about anxiety (it can be helpful), do it later, and don’t do it before you learn your friend’s story. You might realize that you’re talking about two entirely different things.

Things to Say Instead

We really need to bring back this saying: “be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19). Invite your anxious friend to speak, and be present to listen.

Something that stands out from the Gospels is the way that Jesus often asked questions just as much as he answered them, and when He asked questions, He took His time to listen.

I have been on the asking and receiving ends of the questions below, and they have helped both myself and others who have opened up to me.

I’m not a therapist, though, and these questions may not be helpful for everyone in all situations. You know your loved one best; these are just some suggestions that I have found helpful:

• “What usually helps you when you’re anxious?”

  • The answer might be a brisk walk, journaling, deep breathing, talking it out, progressive muscle relaxation — anything, really. Simply being prompted to recall what helped in the past can give an anxious person hope, and remind them of the tools at their disposal.

• “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”

  • Your friend might ask for a hot or cold drink, some time to talk, a hug, or counting to help pace their breath. A friend of mine in a state of panic once asked if she could hold my wrist so she could feel my pulse. Something about the steady consistency calmed her. For me, hot mint tea or ice-cold fizzy drinks help. Everyone is different.

• “Do you know what you’re anxious about?”

  • If the answer is “yes”, then ask your loved one if they’d like to talk about it. Listen actively and non-judgmentally, and acknowledge their feelings. Keep in mind that when a person is in an anxious state of mind, they may not be thinking rationally, so providing a gentle voice of reason can be helpful.

    If the answer is “no”, then for starters, focus on the other two questions above. More often than not, I fit into this category. When I’m anxious, I don’t always know why — there is no particular worry on the forefront of my mind. Calming my body is the first step, and the first two questions lead me in that direction.

Give Yourself Grace

Lastly, if you’re reading this on behalf of a friend or loved one, you’re already helping them in a beautiful way.

Maybe you’re realising that perhaps you haven’t always used the most helpful approaches in the past; if that’s the case, don’t worry about it. We’re all doing the best we can with what we know.

By reading this, you’ve just given yourself more knowledge in order to help the people you love who may struggle with anxiety – and that’s what being a good friend is all about!

Tiffany Ciccone is a writer and high school English teacher who lives in San Diego, California with her husband and pup. She is passionate about seeing the Church engage in the reality of mental health struggles. Her first book, “Anxious with Jesus,” is expected in 2024. Until then, you can read more of her writing on Instagram @tiffany.ciccone and medium.com/@tiffanyciccone.