6 Things I’ve Learned Through My Porn Addiction

Written by Josh Gazzard, Australia

My journey with porn started when I was eight years old. 

I was a young boy with hurts and fears who found an escape in a magical medium he couldn't even explain. Yet without understanding what I was viewing, deep down I knew it was wrong and that I couldn't share with anyone what I had seen. 

Not a soul found out until I was 13 years old; a once-innocent boy almost dying under the weight of his shame; a boy so gripped by addiction that he held no control and feared there was no longer a way out. 

Five years of wearing a mask and hiding the pain had left me an insecure, wounded young man who saw himself as worthless and unlovable. 

"There's something I need to tell you," I forced the sentence out amidst sobs. 

"What’s wrong, my sweet?" My mum answered.

My thoughts grew louder: I can’t tell her. She won’t understand. This is my secret to carry. 

I was lucky enough to have a mother that pushed me to share, but it wasn't exactly an easy thing to share with anyone, let alone my mother. 

I don't remember how long I sat there with clenched teeth, a silent battle raging in my mind between the perceived shame of exposure and my desperate need for freedom, but finally, my need for change won out. 

With eyes staring harder than I thought possible into the ground and tears streaming down my face, I shared my deep, dark secret. And that started a very long and very painful journey of healing. 

I don't know your journey. Perhaps you are someone who views pornography as harmless, in which case I implore you: please do the research! But for most people I talk to who have experienced a battle with pornography, it is a battle of shame, weakness, and regret; knowing deep down that it is wrong but being unable to find the strength to fight against it. That has been me on so many occasions, and for so many years. 

But it wasn't for lack of trying that this addiction remained in my life for 15 years. 

I paid for counselling, I had accountability partners who would check in with me frequently, I installed programs on my laptop and phone, I sold my laptop, I made a deal with a friend that every time I looked at porn I would give away $100. I prayed, I fasted, I shared with people, I stood in faith, I did everything I could think of to try and break the hold it had on me. 

Yet somehow, porn remained in my life. Over the years, I didn’t hear it spoken of in the majority of church services that I went to. It was almost as if people hoped that if they ignored the problem, it would go away. Strangely enough, that didn't work for me either. 

So what did? I don't have all the answers, but here are a few lessons I've learned along the way:

1. Shame is not the truth about me.

I was once told that "Guilt feels bad for what you’ve done, but shame feels bad about who you have become." But who we are doesn't change in the middle of our shortcomings, because it doesn't change who God is or what He sees. 

God loved me the same the day I was born, those times I looked at porn, and today as I write this. My actions, no matter how flawed, don’t change His love. 

Conviction is healthy and can lead to change, but shame is unhealthy and can lead to greater entrapment. When I am hurting is when I most need to get on my knees and allow God to love me.

“[H]e does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:10-12)

2. Trying harder isn't enough.

I'm an independent kind of guy, and I like to think I can do things on my own. But when it came to my porn addiction, the seasons I tried to do it alone were the worst, most painful and most unproductive seasons of life. 

I've gone to all kinds of lengths to beat porn on my own by just trying harder. The result? I magnified the issue and made it bigger and more established in my life. 

There's a reason God gave us people and hardwired us for relationships. Just trying harder isn't enough. Don't go it alone, do the journey with others. 

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

3. My desires are God-given.

I have a desire to consume food. Whether I eat a wholesome meal or a Big Mac will define how I feel afterwards. It is not the desire that is bad, it is what I choose to partner it with that can be bad. 

We all have healthy natural desires, and often porn can be the unhealthy fulfilment of these desires. For example, I have a deep-seated desire for intimacy. So, when I am hit with a desire for deeper relationships, porn is put before me as the temptation. The option is for me to partner in real, authentic relationships, or to partner with lust and choose porn. 

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17)

4. The battle is won before it begins.

I'm not superhuman. In the moments when I’m faced with temptation, I’m weak. 

So I have to win the battle before I even get there. When temptation comes, what have I already set in place before this moment? Who am I calling? Where am I going? 

The Bible says to flee temptation, not to bear through it with teeth grinding and cold showers. 

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18)

5. There’s only room for one.

When I choose porn, I am choosing to worship porn over God. I am choosing my own satisfaction instead of true fulfilment only God can bring. There's only room in my heart for one. 

On the flip side of that, when I am worshipping God with my spirit, mind and body, I am choosing Him over porn. There's only room for one.

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.” (Romans 12:1)

6. Porn is a cheap imitation.

Like all sin, porn and lust are just cheap imitations of what God created. Life in sin and lust is a dull, empty version of what life can be. 

Porn is the easy and fake version of relationships that removes the risk of getting hurt or rejected, but also the real reward of God-designed intimacy. 

Porn affects you, it affects those you pursue a relationship with in the future, and it creates unrealistic and unfulfilled expectations of intimacy. Don't settle for an imitation. 

“There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.” (Proverbs 14:12)

I've fought too many battles, cried too many tears, and experienced too much pain to not share what I’m learning. 

If this hits home for you, know this: God loves you, and He sees who you are and who you can be. You’re never beyond the reach of His freedom, so don’t give up.

Find people to support you. Reach out and allow others to stand by you. It won't be easy—it requires hard decisions and tough conversations. 

This is not one hard-won fight that then goes away; it is a lifelong journey of purity. And while the journey may be hard, the joys that come from walking into freedom are worth every tear and every bit of pain.

To hear more of Josh’s journey, you can listen to his story in Episode 31 - 15 Years Addicted to Porn. For some practical help in figuring out what may be drawing you to porn and how to overcome it, you may also like to read our 6 Steps to Help Fight Your Porn Addiction.

Josh is a young guy who’s lived in various places up and down the east coast of Australia. He loves sport, food, and is passionate about seeing young people living their fullest lives. You can read more of his writing and connect with him on his blog here.